Tuesday, January 14, 2014

I won't forget

I have had three dreams with David in them. The first one happened just a few weeks after his death. He was still sick. He couldn't talk, the community was around him and I watched as I saw him wither away once again in my dream. The second dream happened just a few weeks after that. He was healthy. We were all standing around him in awe. Thinking and believing his body was no longer dying. Have you ever had one of those dreams you want to talk, shout scream, but you can't? That was it. I sat there running up to him. Trying to tell him all that I wanted to tell him. I was apart of this dream. It wasn't real. It looked real. But, my emotions were felt in this dream and I knew I was seeing him and he would soon be gone. I ran to him...I tried...I tried so hard. He simply put his hand up to my mouth and said...Shhhhh. He said he would be leaving in 5 days ( still have no idea what that is all about), but that he will ALWAYS be watching over the kids. And then I woke up. It was light outside...Audrey and Parker standing there wide eyed, waiting for me to get up. ( never claimed to be mother of the year)., I wanted to go back to bed. I wasn't done. I needed to tell him all that I didn't get to say.

Then the holidays and New Years approached. I was humbled as so many outreached. You loved our family, in a way that I promise and hope to pay it forward to others. You showed that among suffering, we are not alone. Many over the last few months have acknowledged and accepted my vulnerability. They have understood and grieved with me. Friends and family have been a foundation for getting through any day. The blog has hit over 6,000. I remember the day David passed it just reached 4,000. There have been 2,000 more likes since his passing. Those likes are a constant reminder to the love that never fails. It is crazy. On some of my dark nights, 30 more people will like our page. It baffles me...but maybe God is more into social media then we realize:) Created it for his good right? They are reminders at just the right time of the love that is lost on this earth from David, but being carried on by you and the unchanging God.

I am glimpsing into 2014. Wanting to miss David so I remember him. Fears creep in of forgetting ( grief 101). David's father said it best, we miss, so we don't forget. This is the one part of my grief that I struggle with the most, believing the baby steps to move on is necessary, but what if I forget?  Before David ever got sick he always acknowledged that one day he may not be here. He would always express his worry and fear of me not being able to move forward. He wanted me and encouraged me to. When Cancer hit, he encouraged it more, for the kids it was important. But, again, what if I forget? What if I forget what it was like when he proposed? What if I forget? I tell myself over and over...don't forget. You won't forget.

And then the God wink happened.....Two nights ago, I had the pleasure of another visit from David in my dreams. After weeks of struggle, trying to figure out and praying for wisdom on how to move forward without forgetting. David was there, in my dream. We were taking a plane somewhere. I guess their is no FFA in dreams, because I was able to sit on his lap:) I bet David fit that one into the dream:)  Again, I wasn't able to talk. He just looked at me. And with the same simplicity he does with any dream, he looked through my heart and knew and said, I will not forget you. And I woke up.

The crazy thing about this dream, is.............. it wasn't David speaking. It took me a few days of reflection to understand this. There is one thing I know about David. He believed, preached and encouraged everyone to realize the gift of life. To move forward. This life is not hell. It is not heaven either.  But, it is creation, It is God's creation. Meant to find joy in him in him alone. While I sit here worrying about forgetting, deep down, I worry about being forgotten. For it is in the suffering the last two years that I felt the strongest in our faith, the most encouraged from God. And now that journey is over... and less God winks happening.... and I don't feel the closeness I once felt. I anticipate what 2014 holds.... And am set free knowing that the most important person, God.... has not forgotten me. David gave me the reassurance when he was alive. Over and over. It was always the first thing he said each time, each tumor came back. He had no fear. But, he knew I needed to know, he would always be with us. And now I continue to have the reassurance, the God of all,  in my sad days or my good days, will not forget me. He is walking alongside me.  And David..........that is a love that will always be connected. When your soul feels it you can't do anything else but believe it and know it, you just have to allow yourself to.

Today I was at our local grocery store, HEB, trying to be a fly on the wall. The sweet lady checking me out said I looked familiar? At first I said I don't know? Maybe being at HEB all the time! I then brought the blog up out of the blue...and with a heart that shined she shared with me how she had been following. She even started bringing up some of the stories in the blog about the leaf and other things and had to stop in fear of tears..... you see on days when I miss David with fears of forgetting..God brings people like Mandi in my life to remind me..........I won't forget. He hasn't forgotten. Whether he uses his God winks, others, or just the awakening of your soul. It is his story. Meant to be remembered, cherished and shared.

As we anticipate what 2014 holds, I am reminded on what David wrote July of 2013 when the third tumor had substantially grown and use it as we go into 2014.........

So, we will accept this new challenge and attack it head on with strong support from God and all of our prayer warriors.  I am excited to rise to this new challenge as I feel we all have in the past.  Dana and I appreciate all the prayers you all have given us over the past few years and only hope to return your love by our faith in the Lord as our savior.  Please Pray with us as we continue the next chapter in our journey.

In the dark, there is light. Taking Steps of Faith,