Monday, March 17, 2014

The Black Dress

Audrey happy and jumping on the day of David's Memorial, October 26th 

The past few weeks, it has been a struggle between the anticipation of the future and the fear of the unknown. What do I know when it comes to writing? So many different options?  Am I willing to take these steps? So many different opinions? Where do I go from here?????????????????

I am thankful to all of you that have followed, shared and validated the emotions I feel daily as I take one step forward . The steps are towards hope and joy of what is to come. You have encouraged me in ways that I miss greatly from David.  What is amazing and Godly is that 99 percent of you,  I do not know. But, you know me, you know my heart and the raw emotions our family experienced the pass two years.  You didn't turn away, you cheered us on, you prayed us forward and you loved us no matter.

When we knew David was only a few days from passing a friend mentioned my need to hunt for The Black Dress. As the time approached there was no way I would stain one of my dresses with the stain of loss and suffering. Sounds dark doesn't it? That is what The Black Dress represented to me. My options? I didn't want to buy a new dress. This dress would be one I could guarantee would not be worn again. I did not want something hanging in my closest that reminded me each day of a sad day where we said goodbye. So, instead, I rented my dress. That is easy right? Arrives the day before, wear it, embrace it, pack it up and then send it off. Not to be looked at again?

Not so much.................. 

No matter, what dress I chose, rented, used, stashed away,  let's face it, I am still the owner of The Black Dress. I may not have a visual representation of it hanging in my closet, but that does not mean it is not there. I am not divorced, I am not separated, I am a widower. The word sounds so strong, black and dark. Especially at the age of 33. But, through these last 5 months, I am learning I can wear The Black Dress.  I can own it. I can embrace it. It can be bitter but sweet, it can be hopeful, vibrant, faithful. It CAN BE BEAUTIFUL. And it can have a future.

Where that future is? I wish I had the answer.. ..For now, lots of prayer, obedience, time, patience, faith and your constant encouragement.....

But, what I do know... The Black Dress does not define me.... it is how I choose to wear it that does. 

The Owner of The Black Dress