The days are getting longer as David is completely confined to the bed, he opens his eyes a total of maybe 5 minutes a day and his words become more and more mumbled each day. I am amazed and sit here in gracious tears at the individuals that have come by to sit with him. Some with faith, some without, which makes it even more beautiful of a scene. They sit by David's side and pray for their brother, read scripture and talk. Talk, getting no response, but they know David can hear them. They tell stories of adventures with David. Stories of the impact he has had on their lives. I know how hard it is for those that come, to see your dying friend. I am in awe of their love they have for David and their gracious ways of saying goodbye as they hold his hand. Our kids have seen these visitors and have seen people come in peace and leave in peace praising the amazing daddy they have. Peace. Peace. Peace. David is still in peace. As he sits their sleeping most of the day, many are amazed that he is not on any pain medicine. None. Leave it to David we all say:))) Hospice continues to ask me if I notice him experiencing any pain? My answer always...none. His always....none. It confirms how strong and healthy his whole body beyond the brain is.
David celebrated 43 yesterday. We told him it was his birthday. His response.. get out of town:) He also thought he was 24:) We didn't make a big celebration of it. As we know his understanding of it was minimal. He amazes us all as we start to feel he is fading, his vitals become more positive. He may not move all day, but at night when I crawl into bed, it does not fail, he reaches over to grab my hand. Our wonderful friends just had a baby a week ago. After some health scares the father and good friend of David's, Lance, was able to visit. It was an emotional evening as I knew the friendship David and Lance shared. And I knew that David would be right by Lance's side through his journey if he could. When Lance showed up, I told him that David had said few words all day. When Lance sat down, he told David about his baby. He told David that sweet Rebecca was born with Downs. The first thing David asked, How is her heart? Amazing. A man that has spoken so few words that make much of no sense....knew his friend. Being a physician, he also knew that with Downs their can be heart problems, which their was. God gave Lance and David that moment back. That moment for David to be their for Lance to hear about his new baby girl. To acknowledge him and know he welcomed sweet Rebecca.
In just a few weeks David and I celebrate 10 years of marriage. Crazy to think. Ten years. Looking at pictures I am amazed at the years we have spent together. I wish I could say ever minute was like heaven:) But, I would be shocked of many marriages that say every minute was like heaven:) But, I will say. We never gave up. Difficult times or arguments, we never gave up. We figured it out... we worked it out. And when I may not have thought the work paid off, then came Cancer. And I realized we were stronger then I ever knew we were. We had a basis to get through anything. We had our faith and each other. We knew that we could get through it, but we had to do it together. We also knew we had to live. The word living has become a staple in our home. We explained to our kids what living is. How between beginning and end, we live. I can say with the most confidence, David never stopped living. Which is why my heart breaks now. He is not living now. I don't know how much he even knows about what is going on. And I know his heart would not want to be dying this way. So, I struggle. I have tears. I have hard days. But, then I get in bed, and he grabs my hand one more night. And I am reminded...peace and living. To not think about tomorrow or the next week. But, to savor that moment.
Last night our friend Lance brought up an amazing point. How often do we sit there and pray to God as our 911. God, why haven't you healed David? God why are you having him die like this? God, why are my kids seeing this? Why is my sweet 3 year old praying to God for his daddy to not go to heaven? Why does my 5 year old have to explain the amazing heaven as my heart hurts? All of this...I admit I do. But, do we ever stop and praise God for the miracles he is performing right in front of our eyes? It took me some time to think of this.
Parker and I were driving today. As we drove I told him daddy would be dying soon. He said when? Today or tomorrow? I told him I don't know. But, if he remembers what we do when daddy goes to heaven. Parker's response, we feel him in our hearts. Just like we feel God in our heart. I love the heart of a 3 year old. But, then he asked. How do you feel God in your heart mommy. We were in the middle of the road. I pulled us over. I rolled down the windows and said..." shhhh this is how, " we sat there for maybe 3 minutes. Me silent with tears praying. Parker staring out the window.... never felt God more...sometimes it just takes stopping and remembering the little miracles and feeling the fresh air and all that is mighty all around you. My prayer.......
Dear God, I thank you for the amazing people that you have put in our lives. The people all over that have carried us through. Their love, their support of our story. You have grown our hearts together. Connecting me with so many new and old. When I feel weak, the doorbell rings and it is joy. It is another person you have put at my doorstep to remind me, you have not left my side. When I want to cry, the doorbell rings and a sweet gift shows up to remind me we are not alone. When I want to crawl in bed and feel so alone, you give my husband the strength to know I am there and to do what he has done each night for ten years...reach over and grab my hand to let me know...it is ok. We will be ok.....savor this moment. Lord, I pray I will stop trying to understand all of this but instead enjoy these moments and time I have with a husband. A husband you placed in my life who continues to be brave, peaceful, faithful and still loving.
Coming together is the beginning
Keeping together is the progress
Working together is the success