Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The day I dreaded.........

We are here. The day I most dreaded. The day you decide that it is time to do Hospice. Not because I don't believe in Hospice. I believe in all they stand for and the organization they are. I even hope one day I can be a volunteer helping other families using Hospice as I saw them bring so much joy to my sweet friend Wren who passed away just a year ago. But, it is that last final step that you sit there and think where is there to go after this???? 

On Sunday, after lots of conversations with our oncologist and David's family and friends it was  suggested to me that I consider getting Hospice set up sooner then later. It was also suggested that when starting the private caregiver that I look for something more full time. 
( we had an incident where David fell this past weekend) As I have mentioned many times before, David and I discussed his value of quality over quantity. But, we never really discussed how I would handle it. I sat in prayer, thinking how in the world am I going to make this decision? I also prayed about how I was going to express this to David? We had already made the decision to not continue care at MD Anderson, as there was no other suggested treatment plan they had in place then what we where currently doing. That phone call was so hard and they agreed with our decision and they had some heart felt tears as they encouraged us on. So, after lots of prayers and taking a chance, I asked David what he thought. God once again provided. He provided a cognitive, put together David for a few minutes. Just the right amount of time needed.  

Dana: David, do you want to do Avastin on Tuesday?

David: Sure, why not

Dana: Do you then think it is a good idea to get a private caregiver and also have hospice come in?

David: Yes. I think we need to move forward with that. 

Dana: Are you happy?

David: ( Tears) Yes I am

Dana: Are you scared?

David: No, I am not. I hope I have touched lives like all the people that have touched mine

Dana: You have David. And you have so many friends, don't you?:)

David: Yes, I do. They keep stopping over and saying hi:) ( comedy setting in) 

Dana: Do you think you are getting better David?

David: No, I am not and I know that. I wish I could show you how much I love you and the kids though

Dana: ( Now crying) you do, you have no idea but you do

David: This is unfamiliar?

Dana: What is?

David: you crying you don't ever cry ( he knows me too well) 

Dana: I know, but I am just so proud of you and I think this is a time that I get that pass for crying:)

And then the conversation kind of went wayside. His parents witnessed this whole conversation and how we ACTUALLY had a conversation with David. It was God given time and I will be forever grateful that this decision has been lifted off my shoulders. We continued to tell him, and he agreed, this does not mean we are throwing in the towel. Instead it means we want to enjoy life and to have the quality he wants. And with the help of the individual caregivers we can be mommy and daddy, wife and husband.

So now, we are on today. That day I feared for two years. We did the Avastin ( chemo ) treatment this a.m. and got set up this afternoon with hospice and Visiting Angels. David was so so receptive with Visiting Angels! And tomorrow we meet with Hospice in the a.m. 
Also, tomorrow a.m. Visiting Angels will start, Sheryl will be David's caregiver every a.m. , so I can go take kids to school, run errands and try to have some normalcy. And Hugo will come in the evenings. This help will be to offer support if David needs it. Hospice will help with all medical needs and also offer so many other amazing faith driven services. I am excited to get out of this rut and focus on Quality now. Because, I know this is what David has wanted this whole time.

Some friends started an account for anyone wanting to contribute to help with the caregiver costs. This all started because my friends have received an overwhelming response from individuals wanting to contribute in anyway. It took my friends a lot to encourage me to agree to this. As David has made preparations well in advance to always make sure we were taken care of. I sat last night, asking God why I felt this way, all this anxiety, I was reminded, ( God has a funny way of doing this:)  First, doubt and anxiety is not from God that is from Satan. I was also reminded, this isn't about me or David, all of this is to glorify God and about him. This whole journey we have professed our faith. And that continues. I believe with all my heart that the good you all are spreading is simply for us and others to continue to see God in our life and others. I wish you all knew how much God is in each of you and how you are allowing him to use you, it is amazing and inspiring. God is providing when I don't even think I need it. Even writing  now, saying we don't need it, I am reminded of a conversation David and I had two years ago ( again, God doing his friendly reminders). It was very hard for David to accept the help and support at first. Someone sat David and I down and said, turning away the support of others, is like turning away God's love. You are saying, " thanks God, but I think I am OK, go do good in someone else's life " this took David and I awhile to process. So, instead we in turn decided to thank God for the support and spread it and continue to spread it. 

The money you all have raised was overwhelming and there is not enough words to show our overwhelming gratitude. The account is set up, accessed by and managed by friends, not by me. I believe whatever the amount raised is sufficient to whatever the purpose. There is enough raised to help with the private nurse costs and provide that flexability for me to not have to worry about managing hours. This Team Hurst account will also bring good and awareness to GBM's. I keep thinking of the darkness and dullness of the waiting area of the brain and spinal cancer area at MD Anderson. I think it could use some green and some Team Hurst surrounding it:) Or the research that needs to be done for Gliobastomas. Or the children that could grow from the knowledge of this Cancer and how it can change their mommy and daddy. All in all, I promise, there will be good and we will spread it. God bless all of you amazing people. Know how much we love you, know how much we pray that you will be blessed. Because we see what you do in other's lives and we want all that good in yours.

1 Corinthians 13:13 " And now these three remain: Faith, Hope, and LOVE. But the greatest of these is love. "

With love, 

The Hurst Family